Sisters

Yesterday Abigail was sick. When she threw up on me I wanted to cry, not because of the vomit, but because she was sick- a new sick never before experienced. She looked sad and her poor forehead was all red. I felt it (her forehead) after she had thrown up and she was burning up. I stripped her down and gave her Tylenol. She sat close and still for a long time (something that has become very un-common). I had a cold cloth that I put on her to cool her down. (She sat with a face cloth on the top of her head for a while and it looked quite funny). I was stressed out and wishing Chris was home and that someone could play with Isabelle so that I wasn't feeling torn between the two.
As the afternoon unfolded I was very surprised by my little Isabelle. She is my girl one who never likes to stay in the same place for more than a few minutes. She is always looking for something new and exciting to do. She is always wanting to be chased and tickled. She is active and loves to pull things off the shelves and run away! I saw this little girl mesmerized by Abigail when I was holding her close and just starred, it felt like she was thinking what is wrong with my friend?
Abigail attempted lots of naps which meant I rocked her to sleep several times (only to have her wake up when I put her down or have her sleep on me for 30 minutes at a time) and as a result Isabelle played alone a lot yesterday... lots of times contained in the playpen in the living room with toys. I would come out and see her curious wide eyes above the railing looking in delight that I was coming towards her. Not once did she whine or cry out because she was alone.
At 6:15 last night I could tell they were both exhausted so I made their bottles and carried Abigail back to their bedroom with Isabelle hot on my heels. We sat on the floor to have bottles. Isabelle couldn't sit still so I let her play while I fed Abigail. Abigail's eyes fluttered in and out of sleep the entire bottle. I wrapped her up and put her in her crib. I then wrapped up Isabelle and got in the rocking chair and fed her a bottle. As I sat there in the dark with my little girls close and me singing to them I couldn't help but feel profound gratitude for my Isabelle. She saved the day. She was sweet and patient with me and her sister. It had been a hard day for her too. She fell fast asleep as I fed her her bottle and I sat there rocking her into a deep sleep looking at my little wonder in my arms.
While I fed Isabelle her bottle, Abigail had unwrapped herself, stood up and fell and bonked her head. Thankfully she stopped crying quickly and sat patiently waiting for me. When I decided I had held my Isabelle long enough I put her in her bed. I then got Abigail and wrapped her up and gave her the rest of Isabelle's bottle. She fell fast asleep too. I sat there starring at her. This sweet little girl was fast asleep after a long hard day.
Today when the girls woke up we fed them and put them to play in their room. We didn't hear them for an hour. When we would check on them we would find them close playing with their toys. They were happy to have each other again.

I am having a really hard time blogging these days. It seems that every day I have funny things that happen and I laugh (thanks to Abigail and Isabelle) and I want to record them or just simply write down the things I am working on but then the end of the day comes and I don't want to blog then like I did in the middle of the day. Instead want to sit reading a book (I finished The Help today... GREAT book that I highly recommend) or play boggle with Chris (for anyone who knows how good Chris is... I beat him one round last night!!).

Tonight Chris is at Young Men’s and then basketball and won't be home until much later tonight. Tuesday is our longest day. I have high hopes of cleaning the house... but I am lying on the couch with the computer on my lap instead. The weather outside is frightful. Last week I went for a walk in the beautiful sunny (albeit cold) weather most days of the week. (I didn't realize how many hills there are around my house... took a stroller with girls in it to make me realize... oh and actually walking instead of driving). This week I don't think I have been out of the house since Sunday. I am starting to go stir crazy. 

*Disclaimer- this gets long and personal*

I have been thinking a lot lately about self-esteem. The first lesson of the New Year in Relief Society was about improving self-esteem. Believe it or not the exact topic had been on my mind for several weeks leading up to this fantastic lesson. I have learned several things about self-esteem but particularly about my own self esteem.

You could say for the most part of my life, my self-esteem has been fairly low. It is funny (?) how things in our past greatly shape the way we think of ourselves. I was never picked on in school. I ran with the popular crowd until I had had enough and mid-year in grade 10 I made a switch to be more studious and had one best friend for the next year and a half. Grade 12 came and I again made a move to a different crowd. I have one really distinct memory that has shaped my view of myself in a lot of ways.

I remember in grade 5 that one boy at school told me that I should date this chubby boy in our grade. I didn't want to (and it wasn't because I wasn't 16 yet...). When I told him I didn't want to he told me I should because he was the only boy I would be able to get. (It still makes me cry when I say it out loud).

One thing that has been on my mind a lot is that negative self-talk is more than just damaging to me it affects most everything I do. I have also been learning that the negative self-talk that goes on in my mind isn't truth... yes it is all lies perhaps with partial truths.

Since I have been thinking about self-esteem a lot I have been noticing that if I don't pay attention to what I am thinking about that all day I can be saying the most negative things to myself... on REPEAT. There are many examples of how this plays out in my mind: guilt that one of the girls didn't get swooped up and kissed and hugged immediately after falling because I was feeding or changing the other or had dirty raw chicken fingers (really there are lots of reasons why this happens EVERYDAY), or feeling poorly about myself because I don't have a clean house, or that there are just some things that take me a long time to do (change address with EI and MSP, or organize my kitchen cupboards, or just remember to pay the bills (sorry Telus)), or that I haven't showered, done my hair or put on make-up, or that I took a nap, or that I haven't worked out, or that I raised my voice, or that dinner wasn't perfect and next time would need just a little of this or a little of that to make it much better, or that instead of getting the girls dressed I left them in their pyjamas, or that there is laundry hampers of clean clothes that sometimes take days to get put away, or that I still have weight to loose since having the girls, or that I can't seem to get good at reading my scriptures everyday again and remembering to pray (I think this one might bug me the most). Anyways you see that the list is endless of the things that I beat myself up in my head about. (Am I the only one who does this?)

Here are the things I am learning all in relation to the negative self-talk.

If I talk to myself like this and see only negative in myself how can I properly demonstrate the love that I have for those around me? How can I not raise my voice at others and pull them down when I am doing the same thing to myself? How can I be non-judgemental of others when that is all I do to myself? How can I love my neighbour as myself when I don't love myself? When I asked myself these questions I realized that what I think about myself matters to more than just me. It affects all that I do and say. I have since been trying very hard to correct my thinking.

As a part of my correcting my thinking I have also begun asking myself why perfection is the only thing that is acceptable. Why does the house have to have no clutter, no paper or textbook or DVD or craft supply out of place? Why does the spice have to be just perfect in the sauce? Why can their never been a pile of laundry? Why are these things not okay? Why can't I take a nap? Why does it mean I am worthless if I take a nap when the girls are sleeping? Why do I think that being a much smaller size is the only size that is acceptable? (side note: Chris asked me what "size" I would be happy at and I told him zero WHEN I heard myself say this I had to laugh at myself... really? that is what I subconsciously think... I think I would die before I was ever that size)I have realized that perfection in a lot of these things really don't matter.

In the church we talk or read much of perfection. The Savior was perfect; we are taught that we ought to become like Him. We know much of our need to live the gospel with great emphasis placed on being clean and pure. In no way am I disagreeing with the principles of the gospel. If I only remember those things I feel hopeless in my imperfection. I often forget that I am not asked to become perfect on my own but through the love and companionship of the Savior is this perfection possible. ALSO of high importance to learn and remember that the perfection taught in the gospel DOES NOT include the things that I may or may not have run through my mind everyday (spotless house, no laundry to do, no dust, no crying children etc). The things that I struggle with myself about for not being perfect in DO NOT EVEN MATTER! What matters is the condition of my heart, and if I only say negative things to myself then that is the real problem.

I have decided that I have a new motto for myself. I say it to myself every day when I start thinking about what I did doesn't quite measure up. It came from a video that recently re-watched and it is this:

IMPERFECT IS THE NEW PERFECT

I told myself this the night of our Christmas party when there was still clutter in obscure places and things weren't quite ready. I told myself it one morning when I looked in the mirror when I was looking cute and ready for church but started to pick myself apart. I tell myself this a lot. I find that it really helps. It helps me put things in perspective. It helps me feel good about myself.

I have decided one other thing to remind myself in these moments of self-battery (really it is more important than my motto). I am a daughter of God with divine nature and endless ability to create. I am loved by God despite my imperfections. I know why I am here and what I want out of this life.

Another thing I have told myself is that no one forced my husband to marry me.  He is actually quite stubborn and knows what he wants and doesn't happily settle for less (all good things in my mind) so it isn't like he chose my by default (because he was getting old... or there was no one else hahahaha). I see my husband as a smart good looking man and HE picked me. That must say something about me, right? I think it does.

I am learning a lot about myself. I am remembering there are a lot of good things that I like about myself. I am learning to love myself despite my imperfections. As I mentioned earlier I have been reading The Help. The women (particularily Aibileen) who told their "stories" felt liberated after sharing. They felt like a new person had started to emerge. As I have started to honestly look inside myself and work on my self-esteem I feel liberated.

Oh Happy Day!

In December (10th) I took the girls to get some professional photos done. They had a promotion going on... the photos were free to get taken and then I would get a discount on the prints. The photographer had the idea of having the girls in my wedding dress. I couldn't imagine how it would turn out BUT agreed that I would bring it. I am so glad I did! I (we) LOVE the pictures. Here is a preview...

Christmas Letter

I am very much aware that LAST month was Christmas and the time of year to send out the annual Christmas letter. Due to the fact that I am a mother of twins I was late sending most of mine out. (tehehe). I believe that most people would have received it by now and so I will post for those who did not receive one (really I mostly only sent it to family...).

Another year has come and gone and this year has gone faster than we ever expected. We thought 2010 was extraordinary, but this year was monumental. Last year we were married and this year our family grew again not by one but by two! Yes, we had twin girls in April.

Chris worked his fifth and final year as a franchise manager with College Pro Painters. The summer season started the week after the girls were born. This lead to him working around the clock being a new dad and a boss. Chris has always had great success in his business and this year was no exception. We are proud of him. In September Chris started his double Masters of Business Administration and International Business Degrees at Vancouver Island University in Nanaimo. Yes, we moved in September. Just finding out about the program and getting into the program were huge blessings. We learned about the program after the deadline for application had passed and special arrangements were made for him. Chris studies hard and Laura is learning a lot about the business world too! Recently Chris was called as the Young Mens President in the ward. We are adjusting to Sunday mornings without Dad, however we are happy to be serving again. Chris has adjusted to being a father with ease and has received many compliments on what a fantastic father he is. I tend to agree!

Laura started 2011 six months pregnant with twins and working forty-four hours a week. She was told to stop by the Doctors and decided to listen in the second week of February. By this time, she was twenty eight weeks pregnant, measuring full term, and finding it harder and harder to comfortably fulfill her duties as a nurse. For the next ten weeks she read books, painted her toenails, cleaned the bathroom (even the tub), cooked dinners, watched a lot of television, and took frequent naps. On April 18, Laura was induced into labor at thirty eight weeks gestation. After twenty two hours, a lot of pain, an epidural at nine cm dilation, and some angry thoughts, Isabelle Ruth Gow and Abigail Catherine Gow were born. Laura has learned to trust her motherly intuition and continues to be grateful for her nursing background. Laura loves playing with the girls and encouraging them to learn new things. Laura has been working on her creativity in the kitchen, in home decorating, and planning relief society meetings.

Isabelle Ruth Gow was born April 19, 2011 at 7:01 a.m. weighing an even seven pounds. Isabelle didn't cry when she was born. She just took in her surroundings with bright curious eyes, and continues to be very much like this. Isabelle loves to play and she has started crawling and sitting up. She is even getting curious about pulling herself up to stand. Isabelle currently is working on her fourth tooth. She is dramatic and loves to smile at people. Isabelle also loves to eat and play with her sister, often too rough, but none the less they love it. Isabelle is a joy to be around. Her bright eyes, contagious laugh and smile light up the room. Isabelle reminds her mother much of her father.

Abigail Catherine Gow was born April 19, 2011 at 7:23 a.m. weighing in at six pounds one ounce. She was a sweet girl who didn't cry much and was happy to be close to her parents. Abigail is a starer. She loves to check people out intensely before showing her now toothy grin. Abigail is quiet in public settings but has a healthy set of lungs which she uses to scream with glee! She is one who enjoys cuddling much to her mothers delight. Abigail is soft with her touch... most of the time. She loves to eat and play with her tongue and chew on toys. She has found great satisfaction with herself in crawling and sitting up. Abigail reminds her father much of her mother.

The girls have had different personalities since birth and it has been a joy to see them further develop their personalities. They continue to surprise their parents and make them laugh daily.

We hope this season finds you with happy hearts. We love this season and the time it is to remember the birth and life of the Savior. We have found great joy this year as we have focused on the Spirit of Christ at this Christmas season. May we always remember the true meaning of Christmas and allow our hearts and minds to be close to the Savior. We love this opportunity to share a little of our lives with you. Merry Christmas!

One Year Older and Wiser Too

I just sat down on the couch and looked at the time 6:51pm. The girls are warm in bed with fully bellies and clean bums. My days work is almost done. The dishes still need to be done from a fast Sunday dinner feast but that can wait. Chris is home teaching and the house is quiet. I have spent copious amounts of time cleaning and de-cluttering my house all week, tonight I just want to blog. I just thought about what one year ago would have been like. What I would have been doing on a day such as this? I was not a mother of born children yet. I was probably around 23 weeks pregnant and starting to feel "big" (I actually just looked back at a blog from a year ago and I was already measuring 34.5cm!!). I started blogging just shy of one year ago. Oh how things have changed in the last year.

Today I have been in awe with my children. They make me laugh and smile in pride (the good kind) every day. Today was no exception. At church people complemented us on how quiet and peaceful they are. I watched them play with other kids and love it; this brought a smile to my face. I watched them "read" books quietly during Relief Society. I held them as they peacefully fell asleep as I whispered primary songs to them. I held them close and rocked them while they slept. I watched them pull themselves up to reach the nearly impossible item with success. I saw the determination that they possess as they tried and tried again to do whatever was on their mind. And tonight as I prepared dinner they crawled around the kitchen and living room. They stood up holding onto the couch, printer, my leg, chairs, book shelves and the computer printer. Never straying too far from one another or going back to each other after a few minutes of gallivanting alone. Then to my delight I hear them start laughing. I look up (or start really paying attention to them not the food) to see them chasing each other around the couch; Isabelle hot on Abigail's trail with Abigail laughing and squealing in delight.

I am so glad to be a mother. Some days are hard. Some days I don't know if I can make it until the end. But most days bring joy and happiness and peace. Sometimes I think to myself what did I do before I was a Mom and never think of much. Yes I went to school and got a degree and worked and had fantastic experiences but there is not one moment when I want to go back to just me or just Chris and I. Those days were good but these days are great. So here is to one year older and wiser too!

I wonder what I will be doing in another year from now. I guess one thing I will already know- Chris will be getting close to graduating! I suppose a lot of change will happen in a year from now.

Yummy, Yummy Pizza!

Today I made homemade pizza. I haven't done that since we had the girls (over 7 months now...). As I was cutting up the veggies to put on my pizza, I decided that tonight on mine I would try brocolli and cauliflower in addition to the peppers, feta, and chicken instead of asparagus spears and grated zuchinni that I usually do.
I started thinking about the whole reason I tried asparagus and zuchinni on mine was because my Mom told me about great pizza she had at someones house for dinner. My Mom made this pizza for me after the girls were born and I loved it, and have since adopted it. I am very grateful for the kindness of people who do nice things for others and the ripple effect. If someone hadn't been kind to my Mom I would never have learned something new that I now love.
I was thinking that there are lots of different ways this principle is made manifest. By simply sharing and being a kind giving friend we have influence on those around us in ways that we don't realize but that can really make a positive impact.  
All these thoughts made me remember a mormon message. Have I done any good in the world today?

Wish I knew more...

Chris and I both suffer from knowing next to nothing about cars. Chris has always marvelled at my ability to point out makes and models on the road but other than that I don't have much to offer with regards to car skills. Chris doesn't even know makes and models. We do our best to have frequent oil changes and check the tires semi-frequently and we are great at putting gas in it.

Earlier this year our little (boat) car had some serious (?) steering problems. We had to replace a few things and the only one that I can remember is the steering pump but I know that it cost over a thousand dollars...

Recently (within a month) the car started making awful sounds AGAIN much similar (at least to me) as before when everything broke and we couldn't drive it and we had to drive THE VAN (see previous posts in Feb/March). I began to worry but in true form not really do anything about it.

On Sunday I was driving my mom to my sisters and she was like "oh maybe it is the power steering fluid," and so because I had to get ginger ale and pepto for Chris at 7-11, I picked some up. My dad who was at my sisters was solicited to do the job. He came back and said it doesn't need it, but I do have an idea what is wrong. He told me that the steering belt was loose and could make those sounds and that he could fix it, he also told us that our front tires were low (I knew but never did anything about) and that would add to the problem (which I didn't know... silly me).

Last night I was out and while I was out I was intending to go grocery shopping. The night got away on me and before I knew it all the stores were closed. When I was driving home, feeling remorse for not getting to the store I had the bright idea that I would take Chris to work and go to the grocery store afterwards so I could bring him lunch at work. This morning when the girls woke up I thought, "WHAT WAS I THINKING" all I wanted to do was crawl back in bed. But alas I got up and we dropped Chris off at work and I headed to Superstore. Thankfully there is a Shell station right by and I decided to take the initiative and although the gas light wasn't on to fill up. Then a light went off, put air in the tires too.

I DID and BINGO BANGO no more awful squeels, no more PULLING on the steering wheel SO HARD to turn tightly while going 2-5km. No more being (more than usual) embarrased in the car I drive and the sounds it makes. Just like THAT it was fixed. Cost $0.

Am I proud? Yes!
Am I a little embarrased that it was something SO SIMPLE? Yes!