I am having a really hard time blogging these days. It seems that every day I have funny things that happen and I laugh (thanks to Abigail and Isabelle) and I want to record them or just simply write down the things I am working on but then the end of the day comes and I don't want to blog then like I did in the middle of the day. Instead want to sit reading a book (I finished The Help today... GREAT book that I highly recommend) or play boggle with Chris (for anyone who knows how good Chris is... I beat him one round last night!!).

Tonight Chris is at Young Men’s and then basketball and won't be home until much later tonight. Tuesday is our longest day. I have high hopes of cleaning the house... but I am lying on the couch with the computer on my lap instead. The weather outside is frightful. Last week I went for a walk in the beautiful sunny (albeit cold) weather most days of the week. (I didn't realize how many hills there are around my house... took a stroller with girls in it to make me realize... oh and actually walking instead of driving). This week I don't think I have been out of the house since Sunday. I am starting to go stir crazy. 

*Disclaimer- this gets long and personal*

I have been thinking a lot lately about self-esteem. The first lesson of the New Year in Relief Society was about improving self-esteem. Believe it or not the exact topic had been on my mind for several weeks leading up to this fantastic lesson. I have learned several things about self-esteem but particularly about my own self esteem.

You could say for the most part of my life, my self-esteem has been fairly low. It is funny (?) how things in our past greatly shape the way we think of ourselves. I was never picked on in school. I ran with the popular crowd until I had had enough and mid-year in grade 10 I made a switch to be more studious and had one best friend for the next year and a half. Grade 12 came and I again made a move to a different crowd. I have one really distinct memory that has shaped my view of myself in a lot of ways.

I remember in grade 5 that one boy at school told me that I should date this chubby boy in our grade. I didn't want to (and it wasn't because I wasn't 16 yet...). When I told him I didn't want to he told me I should because he was the only boy I would be able to get. (It still makes me cry when I say it out loud).

One thing that has been on my mind a lot is that negative self-talk is more than just damaging to me it affects most everything I do. I have also been learning that the negative self-talk that goes on in my mind isn't truth... yes it is all lies perhaps with partial truths.

Since I have been thinking about self-esteem a lot I have been noticing that if I don't pay attention to what I am thinking about that all day I can be saying the most negative things to myself... on REPEAT. There are many examples of how this plays out in my mind: guilt that one of the girls didn't get swooped up and kissed and hugged immediately after falling because I was feeding or changing the other or had dirty raw chicken fingers (really there are lots of reasons why this happens EVERYDAY), or feeling poorly about myself because I don't have a clean house, or that there are just some things that take me a long time to do (change address with EI and MSP, or organize my kitchen cupboards, or just remember to pay the bills (sorry Telus)), or that I haven't showered, done my hair or put on make-up, or that I took a nap, or that I haven't worked out, or that I raised my voice, or that dinner wasn't perfect and next time would need just a little of this or a little of that to make it much better, or that instead of getting the girls dressed I left them in their pyjamas, or that there is laundry hampers of clean clothes that sometimes take days to get put away, or that I still have weight to loose since having the girls, or that I can't seem to get good at reading my scriptures everyday again and remembering to pray (I think this one might bug me the most). Anyways you see that the list is endless of the things that I beat myself up in my head about. (Am I the only one who does this?)

Here are the things I am learning all in relation to the negative self-talk.

If I talk to myself like this and see only negative in myself how can I properly demonstrate the love that I have for those around me? How can I not raise my voice at others and pull them down when I am doing the same thing to myself? How can I be non-judgemental of others when that is all I do to myself? How can I love my neighbour as myself when I don't love myself? When I asked myself these questions I realized that what I think about myself matters to more than just me. It affects all that I do and say. I have since been trying very hard to correct my thinking.

As a part of my correcting my thinking I have also begun asking myself why perfection is the only thing that is acceptable. Why does the house have to have no clutter, no paper or textbook or DVD or craft supply out of place? Why does the spice have to be just perfect in the sauce? Why can their never been a pile of laundry? Why are these things not okay? Why can't I take a nap? Why does it mean I am worthless if I take a nap when the girls are sleeping? Why do I think that being a much smaller size is the only size that is acceptable? (side note: Chris asked me what "size" I would be happy at and I told him zero WHEN I heard myself say this I had to laugh at myself... really? that is what I subconsciously think... I think I would die before I was ever that size)I have realized that perfection in a lot of these things really don't matter.

In the church we talk or read much of perfection. The Savior was perfect; we are taught that we ought to become like Him. We know much of our need to live the gospel with great emphasis placed on being clean and pure. In no way am I disagreeing with the principles of the gospel. If I only remember those things I feel hopeless in my imperfection. I often forget that I am not asked to become perfect on my own but through the love and companionship of the Savior is this perfection possible. ALSO of high importance to learn and remember that the perfection taught in the gospel DOES NOT include the things that I may or may not have run through my mind everyday (spotless house, no laundry to do, no dust, no crying children etc). The things that I struggle with myself about for not being perfect in DO NOT EVEN MATTER! What matters is the condition of my heart, and if I only say negative things to myself then that is the real problem.

I have decided that I have a new motto for myself. I say it to myself every day when I start thinking about what I did doesn't quite measure up. It came from a video that recently re-watched and it is this:

IMPERFECT IS THE NEW PERFECT

I told myself this the night of our Christmas party when there was still clutter in obscure places and things weren't quite ready. I told myself it one morning when I looked in the mirror when I was looking cute and ready for church but started to pick myself apart. I tell myself this a lot. I find that it really helps. It helps me put things in perspective. It helps me feel good about myself.

I have decided one other thing to remind myself in these moments of self-battery (really it is more important than my motto). I am a daughter of God with divine nature and endless ability to create. I am loved by God despite my imperfections. I know why I am here and what I want out of this life.

Another thing I have told myself is that no one forced my husband to marry me.  He is actually quite stubborn and knows what he wants and doesn't happily settle for less (all good things in my mind) so it isn't like he chose my by default (because he was getting old... or there was no one else hahahaha). I see my husband as a smart good looking man and HE picked me. That must say something about me, right? I think it does.

I am learning a lot about myself. I am remembering there are a lot of good things that I like about myself. I am learning to love myself despite my imperfections. As I mentioned earlier I have been reading The Help. The women (particularily Aibileen) who told their "stories" felt liberated after sharing. They felt like a new person had started to emerge. As I have started to honestly look inside myself and work on my self-esteem I feel liberated.