MY BODY

I have been thinking about bodies for about six months now and I am finally going to blog about it. I remember when I got pregnant I was really worried that even though I didn’t love my body (shape, size etc) that pregnancy would ruin my body. I remember having a conversation with someone and they asking me “aren’t you so excited to get a belly?” I said “NO!” I was so worried my belly would never go away!! (I of course didn’t say this).

When I found out I was growing NOT one baby but TWO my hopes for ever looking good again were dashed. I didn’t pay attention to the scale too much at the doctor’s office because I didn’t want to know. At one appointment the doctor told me I was doing really well not gaining too much for twins… WHAT I thought I felt like a beast. It got to the point where people who had had twins told me I looked like them, I then told them that I was having twins and they would say oh well that makes sense then. Until about 28 weeks people told me I looked great and when they asked me how far along I was they were shocked. I remember feeling good until 30 weeks and by 35 weeks I was making trips to the bathroom, computer, couch and BED and really that was about it. I was sleeping all the time. My body was being a full time Mama.

After the girls came I of course felt the relief of not having two babies inside of me and felt like a hundred thousand dollars (not a million bucks). I remember after I had birthed my babes a profound sense of gratitude for my body filling my mind. Perhaps I was realizing for the first time how wonderful it truly was. I also remember thinking about specific parts of my body that I was grateful for: my arms are long so I can hold two babies easy, I have big hips which I needed (maybe?), I am tall which allowed the babies to have enough room to grow (7lbs and 6lbs1oz is pretty good if you ask me!). All in all it was a perfect textbook pregnancy and it left me feeling extremely grateful for MY body for the first time in my life.

Sadly this feeling left the first day I went out “into the world” to go clothes shopping only a few short weeks after giving birth. It was summer and I was HOT in my winter clothes! Chris told me to go out and get what I needed and that he would take care of the girls. I was extremely grateful for his sacrifice as at that time it was a lot harder to have the girls alone for several hours. I went out and went to several stores. None had long enough shorts… so I didn’t even have to see if they would have fit. I found no capris that I liked. After 5 long hours I returned home with some t-shirts, capris and shorts. As I drove between malls and stores I was almost in tears that I saw nothing that would work for me (not my style, not my size, not modest). When I was driving home I cried and cried as I felt just awful about myself. I was mad at the world. For the perception it portrays of what a woman should look like and dress like. I was just so mad and felt like I was a little speck of un-important poop. I felt guilty for the fact that I would come home and be so sad… not a nice thing for Chris when he had given so much that I could go. Well when I returned home I saw my babies and it all didn’t matter it ALL was wiped away. I was so extremely happy to see them and to take care of them. I knew who I was again. I knew what my purpose was. I felt beautiful and important. I felt beautiful again… or maybe I just was focused on others that my worries drifted away and made me beautiful.

As I reflected on this experience I remembered an excerpt that Rachel (my sister) had on her blog. I will put bits and pieces of it here.

“Most people would probably cite one of my other achievements before motherhood: I write; I teach; I’m a good wife, a generous friend. Each of these pursuits is gratifying. None of them makes me feel beautiful.

Tired, careworn, perspiring under the Snugli straps, I wouldn’t expect to feel even presentable. But the consciousness of walking forward into life flanked by children is transforming; it is for someone like me, for whom motherhood has redeemed an unhappy past. Before children, I used to move down the street like someone who hoped no one would recognize her. Now, walking by reflective shop windows, I don’t think to check how I look. I already know. From this moment on, I never feel more beautiful than when I am with my children. Perhaps we’ve just emerged from the car, rumpled, cross, covered with dog hair―every mile spent together on the road undoes a minute of primping. New York to Philadelphia to visit the cousins: I might as well have skipped the shower, the mascara, the hairbrush. Still, when we walk through the door, I’m smiling from something cosmetics can’t deliver. It’s the consciousness of my good fortune.”

 In other news I have finally surfaced from having the babies- meaning I can do EXTRA things in a day besides the basics and still live to see another day without spending half of it in bed. As a result I have started working out again and BOY oh BOY does it feel good to be making progress! Just one month until Kate’s wedding… it is always good to have a target… after that it will be Christmas as my target! I mean who doesn’t want to look good in Christmas photos right?