Starting in the summer of 2014 I started a "learn to run" program. The goal being 5km. I LOVED IT. It was the perfect way for me to start running again... ok did I ever really run consistently before? I don't know. It was the perfect way for me to start running. It gave me time alone. I enjoyed the sunsets in the stunning Comox Valley, I enjoyed listening to podcasts and general conference talks, I enjoyed being by myself and doing something JUST for ME. It made me so grounded and happy. I ran fairly consistently throughout that winter (minus a back injury that I babied) and as spring hit I flourished. I was feeling in great shape. I actually wore out my first pair of runners (which I reluctantly threw away last week). I ran at least 4 times a week. I have a bucket list goal to run a half marathon... but didn't want to run one in the summer of 2015 because I didn't think I'd flourish in the heat and as it happened the spring/summer of 2015 was full of uncertainty. Where would we be living? What would Chris's job be? Could I actually pick a race and be there? So I didn't. By the fall I was really feeling motivated and committed and actually found a race that would be on February 6, 2016. I had plenty of time to increase my distance and feel strong doing so. I was committed. I even had friends to do it with me.
REWIND...
When Olivia was about 15months I had this feeling that a little boy was eager to join our family. In my "well I'm a really busy mom and I don't want to yet" attitude I let these feelings go away.
Back to fall 2015...
General Conference weekend was full of inspiring messages (to me at least) about raising families. That families weren't raised on money but love. Chris and I spoke about my feelings and he was ready to have another. I bartered with him (and really the promptings I was receiving) that as soon as the race was over in February I would happily get pregnant...
A month later in November, probably around the 14th, Chris and I went to the temple with our ward. Chris was helping in the baptistery and I went to a session. I had become anxious about the race, about my ability to do it and about the strength of my body. I read in the scriptures before the session started looking for the peace my mind needed. I was reading in 3rd Nephi 18: 19-20 "Therefore ye must always pray unto the Father in my name; And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you." In that exact moment I knew I needed to change my direction. I knew I needed to change my goal. Change my vision. I knew I was feeling anxious and not peaceful because I was trying to do things my way. I had to let go of my goal of my pre pregnancy body. I knew it was time to do what Heavenly Father needed and wanted me to do. Throughout the session I wept as I felt humbly grateful that my Father in Heaven desired this of me. I felt my will wash away and be replaced with His. I knew then that in doing this I would need His help, but I also felt confident and trusting that He would. I felt I was taking a real step in my discipleship. In my commitment to follow Him. I told Chris as we walked around the temple together afterward and in the kindest way possible he told me he was happy because he had been waiting for me to decide this. The peace I felt was just what I had been looking for.
The next day was the Montreal Temple rededication. As I drove home from the broadcast I again felt that a little boy was so happy to be joining our family soon.
As the days went on... I thought oh maybe I can wait one more month... maybe it won't happen right away... I don't need to tell my friends I can't run the race... Maybe I can get what I want (run the race) AND be pregnant... As I wrestled in my mind deep down I couldn't deny what I knew I needed to do.
As luck would have it I did get pregnant right away. I never did take a pregnancy test. I just knew and not because I felt sick before 6 weeks (like at 3 weeks with twins). I ran until I was 6 weeks pregnant and then realized I just couldn't keep up. Between weeks 6-11 I had the worst heart burn. It was literally AWFUL. Sometimes it made me super anxious and feel like... I must be dying... my chest shouldn't feel like THIS... I must be having a heart attack... and dying! (haha at myself looking back) The first trimester was pretty rough. Heart burn, anxiety, rainy wet cold winter and exhaustion certainly took its toll. On those nights of worry I would put my hands low on my tummy where my tiny babe was growing and I would feel a wave of peace and love wash over me. I fell in love with this babe so early.
17 weeks
At the 20 week ultrasound the tech was super rude. I left feeling that certainly something must be wrong with the babe because I could not understand her cold demeanor toward me. I was again left feeling anxious. I didn't call the doctors office the next day... oh wait I did... but it was closed early on a Friday afternoon. I was left to myself, not the professionals, to get the worry away... as I contemplated and tried to understand her behaviour the thought came to me that it didn't matter if everything was ok, that if something was wrong we would deal with it as it came and Heaven would be there to help. Peace again returned.
Throughout all that I have gone through I am learning again and again that I can have complete trust and confidence in my Father in Heaven's plan for me. It might not always be easy. But it will always work out in the end... whatever that end is. I know the plan of salvation, I've been taught it since my childhood and slowly through my experiences I am learning to believe it.
So our son is set to join our family some time in the middle of August. Exact due date, even though I fully expect to go past it(...unhappily), is August 19th. I am grateful we have a large pool in our yard, that my kids can swim, and that we have air conditioning. I do not know how I will transition my kids into kindergarten so few weeks/days after welcoming a new babe. But I trust all will be well... and yes my heart is breaking a little bit (or a lot) at the thought of my girls being gone all day at kindergarten. I will miss them terribly (enter a rush of pregnancy emotions aka tears).
21 weeks
No comments:
Post a Comment