2 x 2 = ?

My babies turned two just about two weeks ago. Where, may I ask, has the time gone?

Last year at birthday time- we had the flu and we were at my parents house. Not sure the circumstances that lead us there but that is where we were sickness and all. The birthday although I loved it didn't seem to carry a lot of weight on my emotions. Completely different story this time! I thought about their birthday ever since I knew I was pregnant because I wanted to be able to tell people they were 2 so they wouldn't stare at me like I was crazy for being pregnant (not that I think it will matter now... and not many people in public seem to notice I am pregnant and to this date (23weeks) I haven't received a rude comment from a stranger... knock on wood). I started planning what I wanted to have happen for their birthday in March... like the beginning.

For the weeks proceeding their birthdays I thought about them and motherhood a lot. I wept on several occasions. I laughed more with them than I had their entire lives (only because they are actually funny now). I lived in the moment and felt overwhelming joy and love on several occasions.

The things they are doing that put a smile on my face are:

playing with blocks- building towers they always say

playing with shapes- putting them in the right holes and clapping and yelling YAY

saying "be back" and pretending they are going to Grandmas and Grandpas

the way they say candy -- "camy"

Abigail loves the t.v., dancing, copying my rules of "no ________!" and bossing her sister around, she loves to gather toys and bring them everywhere with her, she loves to read

Isabelle loves to get reactions from being disobedient, she loves to follow me around and pretends to put on make up, perfume and deodorant, she loves to be told she is pretty, she loves to climb, she loves to walk the bench of the picnic table and jump off the end.

they love to run outside

they know when we are close to Chris's work and they will say "Daddy's working" and "bye tartar (target)" and "no work Daddy"

they love to play in their beds- getting under the fitted sheets- they just laugh and laugh

they love to dance- especially in the car to Chris's music

they love to try new words

they love to be together and say "Abby come"

they love to tell on each other


The night of their birthday I was so sad. I pulled out my journal and wrote... the first time in... well too long. When they turned one I was very apprehensive about the year that would follow. I knew it was going to be harder in many ways (and it TOTALLY WAS) than the first year of their lives. I knew I was going to have to be tough and tired and that I was going to have to learn a lot. This year as I held them on their birthday my mind is filled with eager anticipation for what the year ahead will bring. They are talking up a storm and understanding so much more in depth. They will continue to become more independent and need me less. They won't always want my hugs, kisses and cuddles. They will start to do things just to be mischievous. It dawned on me this birthday that they are in fact growing up.

Motherhood is hard. For everyone it is hard in a different way. For ME it has been about changing my perfectionist personality, my planned personality, my in control personality, my selfish personality... and I am sure there are more. But these personality traits I have CAN make (they don't always make) the day to day of motherhood hard for me and even un happy. I like an orderly house- toys everywhere drive me nuts. I like to be able to do what I want when I want (from peeing to lying down to watching t.v. to accomplishing important adult tasks like taking out the garbage, paying bills, TALKING on the PHONE). I like to take a shower ALONE. I like to exercise- go for walks. I like to have a perfect dinner to sit down to- you know presented nicely and everything. Sometimes I just want to be lazy.

The way my journey of motherhood began was with a bang. No one child to get a taste. Two little ones came and I was thrown to the wolves. The first year was about survival. Plans and routines were a must. I knew when they would eat, how much they would eat (bottles that is). When they would sleep. What we would need if we were to go anywhere. Life was planned. It needed to be. I feel like we did more than survive- my personality and natural abilities were an asset the first year. I liked so many things about the first year (although it is a blur)

The second year is when I have had to start changing my nature. It is a hard journey. Sometimes I want to kick and scream when things aren't perfect or going the way I planned or just straight up not the way I wanted. My children can now express what they want and what they DO not want! In some areas we must compromise- in others forget about it- but I am learning to listen, I am learning to be patient, I am learning to be selfless with time, I am learning that some things just do not matter (even though they once did).

Motherhood is an adjustment. I no longer do what I want to do when I want to do it. I no longer stay up late. I no longer sleep in. I no longer get ready by myself. I have showers with two little girls. I blow dry my hair (sometimes) while they play games with me. I put my make up on while they watch me and then I "put" theirs on. I never make food for just myself. It takes me 10 minutes to get to the car- shoes and coats for all takes a while. I no longer punch the time clock, or get biweekly pay checks. When I go to the grocery store I feel like I am feeding an army (yes I am aware I only have 2- 2 year olds). BUT through it all...

I wouldn't change a thing. Yes it is hard. Yes it is demanding emotionally, physically, socially, spiritually. But if I truly want to become a better person, a more selfless person, a kinder person, a more patient person-- all in all a more Christ-like person there is no better way for me to do that. I love motherhood. I love the things I am required to sacrifice and the cause for which I make the sacrifice. Yes it is hard but it is worth it.